When baby Gabrielle was born last September 27, 2011, her pediatrician immediately detected that there was something wrong with her heartbeat pattern. However, Dr. Alcantara said that sometimes this is common in new borns and is later on outgrown in 2 weeks or a month. Thus, she asked us to visit her clinic after 2 weeks.
When we had baby Gabrielle re-examined after 2 weeks, the same heart “murmur” is still evident. That’s when her pediatrician recommended that she needs to have a 2D Echo Cardiogram examination which was scheduled by her Pedia-Cardiologist Dr. Rudy Amatong the following month.
October 22, on the same year was the longest Saturday of my life. After the 2D ECG procedure on baby Bielle, Dr. Amatong explained to me and my husband Michael the real condition of our daughter which is called TETRALOGY OF FALLOT. Dr. Amatong even had it drawn on a paper to illustrate properly what’s going on inside our baby’s heart. All I could hear was noise and everything turned into a blurry scene. I didn’t want to continue hearing what the doctor had to say about baby Bielle. My face went numb. I was deaf for that few minutes we were inside the 2D ECG room. My husband didn’t show any signs of weakness and was trying to understand everything that the doctor advised.
When we got out of the room, my aunt who accompanied us during that day asked me what the result of the test was. I wasn’t able to answer her. I didn’t want to answer her. All I did was hug my baby tight to the point that I was almost constricting the blood flow in her body while my husband explained everything. My aunt told me to calm down and told me that crying will not resolve the problem.
On our way home, I felt like I was still inside that room where a machine is trying to judge my baby’s heart condition, where the doctor is the one deciding for my baby’s life. How dare he predict the life of my baby?! Minutes later, we were already home. My husband did all the explanation to my sisters-in-law while I climbed up the stairs and went straight inside our room. As I lay baby Bielle on the bed, I was just staring at this little angel and was thinking how she could have such unusual condition when she seemed so calm and healthy. Tears fell but I had to wipe them away immediately. I would not want my baby to feel that there is something wrong. I would not even dare touch her.
Everyone was checking the internet to research on our baby’s condition. Articles were even printed so we could pass it on to family members and friends. Everyone was busy checking for alternative fix for baby Bielle’s heart, everyone – except me.
DENIAL.
I was under the impression that this is just a bad dream and I would soon wake up and everything would be fine. I was under the impression that my daughter doesn’t need help, that she doesn’t need a surgery. I kept on thinking that she will be fine in a month or so. To me, she seemed fine, healthy just like any other baby. And then, I was hoping that there would be some kind of a miracle – just like in the movies – where everyone would wake up and the sickness would be gone. But deep in my heart, I know, it’s not like that. I know that a surgery is needed to fix my baby’s heart so she could live a normal life but I am just not open to the idea of her undergoing a surgery. Doctors will hurt her. Tubes will be inserted into her heart and who knows what other procedures are needed to be done to her. I would not want to see my baby crying and asking for help because she is in pain. I’d rather take the hurt. If only I can take the surgery instead of her. There should be other ways for her to get well. Anything but a surgery! This become an issue between me and my husband and sometimes would be the cause for an argument. My husband thought I don’t want our baby to get well and for her heart to be fixed. He thought I don’t want to see our baby live a happy and long life. He didn’t understand me. What mother doesn’t want to see her baby live a cheerful and normal life?!
ANGER.
Why me? This is the usual question a person asks every time he or she is faced with a difficult situation and I myself asked the same question. Why baby Gabrielle? I was mad at just about everything.
When I was pregnant, I made sure that I was eating the right food and drinking my supplements on time. I was home for almost 5 months. I was home and bored to death. I was careful. I did everything that my OB advised but why did my baby get this complication? I can’t help but envy other girls who were pregnant but were drinking and smoking but their baby came out just fine. So, why my baby? Why us?! Some pregnant women don’t even take supplements and don’t even drink milk but why are their babies VERY healthy when born. I was angry at the world, was mad at myself, my husband, my family, OB for reassuring me that my baby’s condition is fine. LIAR!
BARGAINING.
If only I didn’t over react at my pregnancy. If only I quit work so I could stay home for 9 complete months. Had I not taken jeepney rides to work, I wouldn’t have gotten sick. If only I haven’t had chicken pox. If only I did not believe my OB that my baby’s fine despite the chicken pox. If only I drank the medicine. If only I hadn’t gone scared of drinking too much medicine. If only.
Days have passed which turned to weeks, that turned to months and we didn’t do anything about baby Gabrielle’s heart condition.
DEPRESSION.
I don’t want to lose my baby but where do we get the funds for her surgery that would cost more or less P1 million? My mother suggested that we don’t take the surgery as an option and Bielle would be healed by faith healers or some herbal medicines. If we are able to raise the said amount, will the surgery guarantee us that my baby will be fine forever? What if the surgery fails?
Too many questions that worried me and thus I am back to the denial stage where I don’t want my baby to undergo an open heart surgery.
ACCEPTANCE.
March 23, 2011 was my wake up call regarding my little girl’s heart condition.
I just got home from work at around seven o’clock in the morning since I was assigned in the graveyard shift that time and my baby was having her breakfast. After I changed clothes, I spent time with baby Bielle by taking her out to catch some fresh air. When we went back inside the house, she displayed signs of uneasiness – she was catching her breath and seconds later her whole body turned blue and she then collapsed! We were in shock.
My mother tried to calm me down and she tried to revive Bielle by pressing her palm and I even did mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to give her air. After about a minute, she was back to her consciousness and was giggling again as if she was just putting a child’s play. We were relieved until after 5 minutes where she collapsed again and that’s when we took her to the emergency room of the nearest hospital on our area.
First stop – Mactan Doctors’ Hospital. When we arrived I was asking help for my baby. The nurses were like casting blank stares at us and as if we had some kind of a very contagious disease! To be honest, I wanted to kill all of them at that point but I decided to not waste energy on them. My cousin and I hurriedly went outside of that dumb place and hailed a cab to Cebu City. Good thing that baby Bielle was back to her consciousness again.
Next stop – Cebu Doctors’ Hospital. The nurses in charge were a bit concerned and they immediately performed initial tests on my baby however, they suggested that we see Bielle’s pedia-cardio as they can’t do anything for my baby without the permission of Dr. Amatong. The pediatrician who took charge of Bielle’s case that time called Dr. Amatong’s clinic and was informed that we could visit him at Perpetual Succour Hospital. So we went.
Third emergency room – Perpetual Succour Hospital. Even before we reached the place, Bielle had another round of “tet spell” – she collapsed while we were inside the cab on our way to the next hospital. I was telling the driver if he could speed up a little more, if possible make the cab fly above the traffic! When we reached the emergency room, Bielle was immediately taken cared and a complete blood count was performed where they had to slice her heel to extract blood. Oh please, no! After about 30 minutes, she was back to being okay and was even playing with the resident nun of that hospital. A doctor came and told us that Dr. Amatong is in his clinic and it would be better if we could talk to him and he could personally see Bielle. A wheelchair took us to the 2nd level of the hospital where the clinic of Dr. Amatong is at.
After having heard of what had happened, he then told us that my baby would need to have the surgery AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and had we not been able to revive Bielle that time, must be the last time we could get to see her. Dr. Amatong gave us prescriptions (propanolol and iron supplements) and taught us a maneuver needed to be done in case Bielle’s passes out again.
That was the time I realized that this condition of my baby is not something that can be outgrown or something that we could hope for a miracle to happen. It’s not bad to hope for a miracle but what I realized as well is that while waiting for that miracle to happen and while saying countless prayers, why not do something to raise funds for baby Gabrielle’s open heart surgery? If she gets well without needing the surgery – awesome! Then, we could donate the raised funds to another person/baby in need of help.
It’s sad that it took me almost 9 months to do something about my baby’s heart problem. Right now, as we ask for assistance in the different social media, we get varied responses. Well wishes. Doubtful comments. Mockery. Encouragements. Discouragements. One thing’s for sure – this is one heck of a battle that we will never give up on!
Please help us raise P1million pesos and fix baby Gabrielle’s heart. Share your blessings and be a part of the SOLDIERS OF GABRIELLE!
